Sozinha

Sua voz ecoava no vazio de sua mente

Sentia seu corpo tremer com esse timbre

Sabia que se acostumara com o silêncio

Com as batidas do seu coração na noite

Com a dor da saudade no peito

Mas não queria se resignar

Não podia aceitar

Havia ainda promessa de vida

Seguiria sempre a lhe amar

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

 I’ve done it! After ten years of agony, I’ve finally done it. I made the decision that will change my life forever. I have to admit it, though, I’m quite surprised with the pleasure it has given me. I never thought I was capable of such a thing, but desperate people sometimes take desperate measures, and I was desperate, I was worn out.

When I decided to marry Henry, I knew it wouldn’t be easy, I always knew I wasn’t the motherly type, I was never good with children, I thought they were loud, annoying, they were usually careless with their personal hygiene, they could not carry a logical conversation, they were always on the way, they don’t like me and I don’t like them. God is indeed very wise and made me dry inside, I cannot bear a child, and I’m quite happy with it. But then I thought, it’s a girl, they usually behave better, maybe I can win her over and have her as my little server, and it might be quite sweet, actually. I like Henry, he is rich, and I will finally have everything I want. You see, I come from a good family, we have some money, but my inheritance isn’t very significant, we have no name. My only hope was my looks and on that, I can definitely count on, yes I still can, ten years on, and I look as stunning as I did then, maybe even better.

Well, I tried, but the little brat didn’t like me from the start. When Henry introduced us, I gave her an adorable clay doll, I had made for her, she broke it, she looked at me and said, you are not my mother and she broke it. Of course I’m not your mother, I said, but we can be friends! But I want my mummy! She cried and left. What could I do?  Her mother was dead, she had been dead for 5 years.

After that, she would have a tantrum every time she saw me with her dad, He’s my husband for God’s sake! And every time it would be something else, and I grew tired. I tried to keep out of her way, she did the same. She hated the fact that Henry was crazy about me, she couldn’t accept he’d rather spend time with his beautiful young wife, than with a little annoying brat.

It was her sixteenth birthday two days ago, I gave her a lovely dress, black and discreet, perfect for a young girl. At the ball, she wore a different dress, when I asked where she got it from, she smiled at me, no, she grimed at me and said “It’s my mother’s”. And suddenly I realized I wasn’t turning heads anymore, she was. When did that happen? How could they adore that little monster? Henry, who during the past few years barely acknowledge her existence danced with her. And how proud he looked.

I left, went to my bedroom e looked in the mirror, I was beautiful, my hair was still fair and naturaly waivy, I didn’t have any lines on my face, my skin was fair and velvet like. Then I saw her face, she was behind me, looking at my reflection, her bright blue eyes analising me, I turned around and she held my hand, let’s be friends, she said. I stepped back, like she was stabbing me. I wasn’t sure of what to think, how to react. “Why now?”I said, she smiled and shrugged, “Why not?”.

I couldn’t, I just couldn’t switch my fellings, I loathed her. I know what this was about, and I can’t play anymore. I can’t just go along. Oh, she just made me realize how much I hate her, and I don’t want her around. But I smiled back, said “yes, of course”. Told her I wasn’t feeling well and led her out of my room.

It was then that I made my decision. I had her killed. I had one of my servers do it. Of course he wouldn’t do it just like that, keep it in secrecy… I made sure he would be well tied to me, and I brought him to my bed, I made him swear he would do anything I wanted. A woman can make a man do anything, if she puts her mind into it, and her thighs in this specific case.

He brought me her heart. It was wrapped on his scarf. And tonight we had stew, her father was worried, about her, I told him she would be back soon. She was probably on her way, lost track of time. He ate it. He ate his little girl’s heart. And I have to say, it was delicious.

Party Girl

She heard her mother screaming downstairs, “Turn the noise down for God’s sake!”, she just shouted back, “Calm down, I’ll be off in a minute!”, Just another Saturday night, like many others, dozens of dresses on the bed, she wasn’t sure of what to wear for a change, should I just wear a skirt? She asked herself.  Legs always had to be showing of course, what girl would wear trousers to a club? Not in this scorching summer, that’s for sure. Hair up, big earrings, lots of makeup, yeah, she was going with the skirt, nice beaten old jeans and lots of sparkling, but what top? Oh! Why was it so hard to dress up? Wait there! Her sister wasn’t home… She was sure she wouldn’t mind her borrowing her black top, well, it wasn’t her fault she wasn’t there to ask, was it? She giggled to herself, Vanessa was going to kill her if she found out, but she didn’t need to, did she?

The phone was ringing; it was Kathy again, oh! They are waiting for her, “Hurry up!” she says, “and you better bring another bottle, by the time you get here we’ll probably run out of Vodka!”, “I wouldn’t be surprised you pissheads”, laughs both sides, “look who’s talking! Just get your ass down here would you!”, “I’m coming, it’s not my fault I had to live out of town is it? See you in half hour, and don’t worry I’m taking a bottle, is it ok if I crash at yours?” “Again?”, laughs on the other side, “of course silly! See yah!”. Ok, now she just needed the shoes, the old black stilettos will do, they always do, her old party friends, they would probably walk themselves to every club in town.

She gets into her car, music on again, she’s off. Driving down in the dark checking herself up in the mirror, “you look good girl”, she thinks to herself, a little bit more lip gloss, she turns the music up, nobody to complain now, it was just the two of them, yes one of her best friends since Christmas, her car was there, Daddy’s present, well they’ve shared things she never shared with anyone else since then, and she was in it for hours every single day, they were inseparable.

She’s singing with the tune, rocking her body like crazy, she momentarily thinks to herself, “if someone sees me right now, they would probably think I’m mad… but who cares?” It was a long drive and she was just warming up! A new tune starts, oh no, not that one, it reminded her of her ex, not good, next! She laughs to herself while she changes the song, and she looks down for a second, oh that’s better! Eyes back to the road, and a black spot quickly approaching, she breaks, there’s no way to turn, on that split second so many things go on through her head, looking where to turn to, and what is that horse doing in the middle of the road, there is no time to stop… everything happens so fast and yet so slow, like in slow motion, she tries to turn, there’s no room, she hits the rail, big bump, she grabs onto the wheels, tries to turn the other way, crash, oh no, a loud squeal, the car turns around and finally stops.

The loud music echoes through the road, and everything is still. She opens the door, her legs are shaking, she wants to run to the poor animal but she isn’t sure she can find the strength, she isn’t sure she wants to see it, tears are running down her face, she wipes her tears and the mascara stains her face, she runs on those stupid high hills and when she reaches it she shivers, almost imitating the poor animal.

People start to approach, it was a poor area, she feels even more stupid all dressed up, they circle the horse, she tries to speak but she chokes on her tears, “He came out of nowhere” she gasps, a man says, “it’s not your fault lady, it shouldn’t be loose on the road”, “How is he?” “Not good”, “has anybody got a gun?”, she chokes again, nobody has one, “poor animal”, she looks at the man again,  and down at the horse, his eyes wide open, so scared, she wishes she could do something, why is everyone just staring, help him! But everyone has got their heads down, cars are passing by, slowly. Someone called the police, she calls her dad. She hears him shouting on the other side but she is not really listening, and she says “I’m Ok”, he is on his way. She walks back to the horse, it’s still breathing, quivering, she hugs her arms, and looks into its eyes, and it stops, no more shaking, no more life, but she could still see the fear into its eyes, and she could also see her reflection.

Girl in the window

She was a plumpy girl, curvaceous as other people might say, lying forwards, looking out of the window, at the sea, a sunny day. She was in a simple room, wearing a simple dress, hair down with its curly ends let loose, a picture of an ordinary day for a girl from the coast. You cannot see her face, you are looking at her back, like you’ve just entered her room and there she was, contemplating her own world. This was actually a famous picture, from Salvador Dali, one of his early works, before he went all wacky and trendy, before he went into surrealism. The girl in the picture is his sister, he was only 20 when he painted it.

I was 18 when I got this poster, I lived in Brazil at the time, on the beach. I taped it onto my wall, and sometimes when I was looking out of my window into the sea, I looked at this picture and liked to think of it as a reflection of myself. Then, life changed and I moved away from the beach, away from home, I moved far away from everything I knew, but I took the “Girl in the window” with me. I taped it again onto my wall, and it reminded me of home, of an old me.

Well, my life is a constant cycle, and I move and change like the wind, I moved back to Brazil, lived back on the beach, I was again the girl in the window. But she wasn’t there anymore, the poster was lost somewhere along the way with the girl I used to be, and would like to be again. Years passed and sometimes I looked  at the same spot in my old bedroom, looking for her.

The winds changed again, and I went back to England, stayed at my friend’s house. This friend who was there for me when my life fell apart, and again when I needed her. One day we were in her bedroom getting ready to go out when I looked at the wall and there she was, the girl in the window. I asked my friend where she got it, it was my favorite painting. She smiled and said, “You gave it to me, remember? Just before you left, I really like it too, it reminds me of you.”